


First Memories

by Lumelle



Series: Counting Dwarves [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Family Feels, First Kiss, Genderfluid Character, Growing Up, Kid Fic, Nonbinary Dwarves, Other, Past Lives, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:09:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4781780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumelle/pseuds/Lumelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ori's life was never going to be ordinary, not with their brothers and friends and everything else. It's not Ori's fault that things such as gender can be complicated, or that there once was a life where they saw a dragon.</p><p>At least Fíli is there, again and always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Memories

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to poke at modern AU, which of course ended up as a reincarnation AU. I'm planning to write other fics, each with a focus on a different pairing or character; Ori got to go first because it clears up/establishes some things for other fics to follow.

Ori was three when he found out he didn't have a sister.

Not that he realized at the time that this was precisely what was happening. All he knew was that Dori and Nori were fighting a lot lately and he didn't like it. Nori wasn't eating her dinner, and Dori didn't like it when they didn't eat their dinner, and it happened again and again and every time Dori got more annoyed.

"You'll never grow up if you don't eat, you know." Nori was again not eating her dinner, and Dori was telling her to. They weren't yelling now, so Ori didn't really mind. It just meant Dori wasn't paying much attention when his macaroni fell out of Ori's spoon and he put it in his mouth with his fingers instead.

"Well, maybe I don't want to grow up." Nori was glaring down at her food, which was silly. Dori's macaroni and cheese was yummy. Nori had told Ori so herself so he would open his mouth for the spoon, sometimes.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Nori. Of course you do." Dori sighed. "Now stop being difficult and eat your dinner. Ori's not having any trouble either, now is he?"

"Ori's stupid," Nori muttered, and that wasn't nice. Dori's frown meant he didn't think it was very nice, either.

"Now, listen up, young lady —" However, that was how far he got before Nori started yelling.

"Shut up!" She tossed her spoon away, and that was bad, Ori knew you weren't supposed to toss the spoon away. "Don't call me that, don't call me that, don't call me that!"

Now Dori looked confused, not angry. "Nori, what are you going on about?"

"Don't call me a lady!" Nori jumped up from her seat, fuming. "Girls are ladies. I'm not a girl!" After this, she ran away. That was strange. Nori never ran away from anything, she wasn't even scared of spiders or buzzing flying things and always protected Ori from them.

He didn't remember much from what came after that, didn't understand what little he did remember. All he knew was that a lot later Nori was curled up on the couch under a blanket and looked like she had been crying. Dori sat next to her and looked really sad as well. Ori didn't like it when Dori was sad. If Ori could have decided, Dori would have never been sad, Dori was supposed to smile and read stories and hold him when he was sad so Dori couldn't be sad himself.

"Hi there, little guy," Dori said as Ori patted his knee in the hopes of making Dori not sad. "Sorry about all the noise earlier."

"Dori and Nori is sad." This was a terrible thing, Ori knew that, but he felt it had to be said. "Dori have a boo-boo?" To test the theory, he blew at Dori's knee and then kissed it better.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple." Dori lifted him up into his lap, which was much better. "I've made a terrible mess of things, haven't I."

Ori giggled. "No, Dori!" Of course Dori didn't make a mess! Dori never did. He always told Ori not to make a mess, he wouldn't have done that himself.

"I really have, though. And now Nori is sad because of it." They both looked to where Nori was sleeping, red hair sticking to teary face, sniffling even in her sleep.

"Dori make Nori better?" Because Dori was the best at that, always was, Dori always kissed everything better and gave cookies and hugs and everything else that was important to getting better.

"I hope I can, little one." Dori hugged him, and that was nice, that felt good. "I really hope I can."

A lot of what happened afterward Ori only found out much later, not that he would have understood it at the time. When he was three he didn't know about the hours Dori spent looking for information, about the people Nori was taken to see to talk about how she felt, about the struggles with school and neighbors and acquaintances and certainly not about all the nights Dori lay awake late into the night blaming himself for all manner of things that weren't anyone's fault in the first place. What he did know was that one day Nori's pretty long hair was cut even shorter than Ori's, and at some point everyone stopped saying she about Nori.

Ori didn't care about any of this, didn't think it was important. What was important was that Nori was smiling more now, and wasn't fighting with Dori so much, and his family being happy and not fighting was all that Ori cared about.

It wasn't like he needed a sister, anyway. He liked Nori much better.

*

Ori was five when he met Fíli.

He was worried about going to kindergarten, no matter how much his brothers told him it would be fine, really Ori, you're going to like it and make lots of new friends. Ori wasn't sure why he needed new friends. He was just fine sitting and drawing by himself, had always been, there was no reason why he couldn't just continue staying with the nice lady next door when Dori was at work and Nori was at school. Except apparently he needed to go to kindergarten and meet new people and everything, for all that he really, really didn't want to.

It was Nori who finally convinced him, grinning and telling him he was going to learn a lot of new things, like reading and writing. Ori could already read, a little, and he could write his own name, but Dori was always tired when he got home from work and Nori wasn't a really good teacher so he wanted to learn to write a little better. They would definitely teach that at the kindergarten, Nori assured him, reading and writing and numbers, too, and there would be a lot of drawing, too. Ori was still a bit doubtful, but he did end up coming to kindergarten on the very first day, with his new backpack and his new t-shirt with a volcano on it, and he wasn't even scared.

Well. He wasn't a lot scared. Just a little.

Dori was talking with the teacher who had told him hi, and there were other kids around as well. They seemed to be about Ori's age, except he was the smallest one around, he'd always been kind of small and now he definitely felt like it with all the kids going around and being noisy.

"Hi! Cool shirt."

Ori blinked, looking at the person who had spoken to him. It was a boy, a bit taller than him, with blond hair cut even shorter than Ori's and skin the color of milk chocolate, the good chocolate that Nori really liked. He was smiling at Ori, and there was a tooth missing from the front of his smile. "Uh, hi. Thanks. My brother got it for me." He paused, then added, "Your shirt is nice too." It was, really, he wasn't just being polite. There was a big troll or something on the boy's shirt, except the troll was playing with toy cars. That was much nicer than scary trolls.

"My name's Fíli. What's yours?"

"Ah. I'm Ori." He bit his lip. This boy seemed nice. Was he a new friend?

"Come on!" Fíli took his hand and tugged him along, not even asking. Ori hurried after him, and somehow, he didn't mind being rushed along. He wanted to follow Fíli, felt like following Fíli would take him where he needed to go, even though he wasn't sure where that was.

Clearly Fíli was his friend. He just wasn't sure he was a new one.

Fíli, Ori soon came to find, was the best part about going to kindergarten. They did everything together, and Fíli spoke up for him when Ori was feeling too shy to do so, but let him speak for himself when he wanted to. Fíli always liked to see him draw things and listened to the stories that went with the pictures, never hurrying Ori along when he hesitated about something. In turn Fíli told Ori all about his family and his life and everything, and Ori listened to every word.

He found out that Fíli had a little brother called Kíli who couldn't walk, but not because he was too young to know how, he just couldn't. He found out about Fíli's uncle Thorin who was great, and his great-grandfather who was a little scary and weird sometimes and lived in a really big house, and how everyone always said he looked just like his mother even though his hair was the same color as his father's.

On one rather bad day he found out that Fíli had nightmares, sometimes, ones where he fell from up high after being caught by someone big and white. Not white like their teacher Mister Bofur, Fíli hurried to say, but white like a ghost, and in the dream Fíli always told everyone to run because the ghost also wanted to hurt his family but Kíli couldn't run and he got caught too, always. Fíli didn't speak much that day, and soon Ori started to notice whenever he'd had a nightmare because he was quiet, and on those days Ori would take care of talking.

One day Ori was invited to Fíli's house for a play date. Ori was worried that Dori wouldn't let him go, but for some reason Dori looked really happy that he wanted to go. He even wanted to come along, so he could speak with Fíli's mom and dad and thank them for the invitation.

Fíli lived in a nice big house, much bigger than the little apartment Ori and his brothers lived in. There was a yard and everything, with toys strewn all over. A big part of the yard was paved, and Ori remembered Fili saying it was hard for Kíli to get around on grass, so that was probably why. There was a ramp to the side of the stairs that went up to the porch, and that was probably for Kíli, too.

Really, it was a good thing there was a lot on the front yard to look at, so he didn't have time to get scared before they got to the door.

Fíli's mother opened the door when Dori pressed the doorbell. She was tall, even taller than Dori, and smiled at him nicely. "Well, hello. You must be the Ori I've heard so much about."

"Um. Hello." He drew a deep breath, feeling Dori's hand at the back of his head, supporting him. "Fíli said I could come over to play!" Which was probably a silly thing to say, because Dori had already called her for the address, but you should always say why you were visiting, Dori had taught him that.

Fíli's mother chuckled. "Well, certainly. Come in, both of you. You must be Ori's…" She let the end of the sentence hang in the air, looking at Dori.

"I'm Dori, Ori's older brother." Dori smiled. "Thank you for inviting him over."

They said more things, too, but Ori didn't hear much else, because then Fíli came running up to them and grabbed Ori by the hand again. Before he could even squeak at Dori that he was going he was dragged along to what turned out to be the living room, where he was introduced to Kíli, Fíli's dad, and the coolest remote control car Ori had ever seen in his life.

As it turned out, Dori didn't leave at all, talking with Fíli's parents the entire time Ori was playing with Fíli and Kíli, about children and work and all kinds of things. At some point Ori heard Dori talking about his dream of starting a café or a restaurant of some kind, at which point Ori felt it necessary to inform them that nobody was better at cooking than Dori, except maybe Bombur who was the next door lady's son and was really good at cooking, too. Dori seemed embarrassed about this, which was just silly, because it was totally true, Dori was the best.

Ten or so years later, when Dori's café was flourishing and Bombur handled the kitchen with the hand of a benevolent tyrant, Ori actually asked Dís what had convinced her and Tuli to invest in the business venture of a complete stranger with little to show for his skills. Dís told him, with the teasing smile she reserved only for her sons and Ori, that they had decided someone who had such a fervent little supporter could not possibly fail, not when it would have meant letting his little brother down.

At fifteen, when he heard this, Ori flushed and muttered something about being a silly little kid who thought mac and cheese was the food of gods. At five, some weeks after that first playdate when Dori told him and Nori that Fíli's parents were going to help him open a café, all Ori thought about was that this would surely mean even more time spent with Fíli.

This was, he decided, the best thing ever.

*

Ori was twelve when his brothers walked in on him wearing a skirt.

It was a pretty little thing, bubblegum pink and light and airy enough to swish around his legs as he walked. He had seen it in a thrift store window and fallen in love, had bought it without even trying it on as he blushed and murmured something about a costume party to the salesperson who probably didn't care either way. He should have been more careful, really, should have stayed in his room and perhaps locked the door, but he hadn't been able to resist. It was just so wonderful to wear, he had wanted to walk around and skip in ways that his room was too small for, and Dori and Nori were both out, wouldn't be back for a while yet. What was the harm in going to the kitchen to have a little snack?

Except then he took the snack to the living room to watch TV — Dori would have had a fit, but Ori was always very careful not to make a mess — and didn't hear the front door over the sound of the TV, or the footsteps approaching. It was just his luck that his brothers happened to come back both at the same time for once. If it had been just one of them, perhaps he could have pleaded with them to keep it a secret from the other. However, since they both came along, there was no avoiding the talk.

Dori was the first, calling out for him as he walked toward the sound of the TV. He froze in the doorway, staring at Ori, who was just as still where he sat on the couch, too shocked to even try to come up with an explanation. Nori came up to Dori's side, took one look at Ori, and shook his head.

"Right. I'm not doing this."

"Nori!" Dori called out as Nori ducked away from the doorway. "You come back here right now!"

There was no response that Ori could hear, and after a moment, Dori sighed and turned back to him. He didn't look angry or upset, just… concerned. That probably wasn't good.

"Right." Dori shook his head, then sighed, running a hand over his hair. It was as immaculate as ever, though he did often lament the way it was already turning gray. "Ori. Perhaps we should have a cup of tea?"

Ori knew this was not actually a question as much as it was an order, and he knew better than to argue. He walked to the kitchen after Dori, settling himself leaning against the counter while Dori fussed about making tea. Ori tried not to fidget, really he did, but somehow he still found himself fiddling with the fabric of his skirt as though it would give him some form of strength for what was sure to be an awkward conversation.

There were worse plans.

Dori didn't say a word until they were both seated with tea, looking at Ori across the table. "So, Ori." He drew a deep breath as though one preparing for battle, and Ori tensed. "Are you a girl?"

Ori blinked. "What?"

"You heard me." Dori wrinkled his nose in that way he very much denied he did, a sure sign he was feeling uncomfortable. At least Ori wasn't the only one. "Are you a girl? Is that what this is about?"

Ori worried his lip. "No?" It wasn't supposed to come out as a question.

"You don't sound so sure." At least Dori still didn't sound angry. "You can talk to me about these things, you know. Goodness knows I've had enough experience dealing with this kind of thing with Nori."

"Right." Ori sighed. "It's just… I don't know. I don't think I'm a girl. I would have told you if I was." That would probably have been easier to explain, anyway.

"So what is this about?" Dori wouldn't quite look at him, and wow, that was strange. "I mean, I know boys can wear skirts nowadays, but I'm pretty sure this is not that kind of a skirt. So if it's not that and you're not a girl, I have to wonder what this is about."

Dori's voice had a strange tone, and all of a sudden Ori realized what he was going on about. His eyes widened. "I don't get off on it or anything!" he protested quickly, then winced because that was just not something he could say around Dori, not ever. At least he wasn't the only one feeling terribly awkward about this whole thing. "It's nothing like that, I swear! I just…"

"Yes?" Dori's voice was gentle, trying to coax the answer out of him. Ori couldn't help but notice he also sounded just a little bit relieved. Not that Ori could blame him, really.

"I don't think I'm a girl." Which was repeating himself, but it was the best he could offer, really. "Well. Most of the time, I don't. Except sometimes I think I might be? I'm happy with my body and pronouns and everything, most of the time at least, except some days I feel… well, not like I should be a girl, but like I am a girl, I just don't look much like one."

"Right." There was a small frown between Dori's eyebrows, but at least he was looking at Ori again. "So, the skirt?"

"I saw it and I wanted to wear it." Ori looked down at the bright bubblegum pink. It had made him so happy earlier, but now he just felt kind of awkward. "I know it's not something that boys are supposed to wear, but… I don't see how that means I can't." Because he wasn't a boy, not entirely, not today at least.

Dori sipped at his tea, no doubt thinking of what to say next. When he did, it was with a careful tone. "Ori… how long have you felt like this?"

"I'm not sure. As long as I can remember?" He frowned, thinking. "I mean, it's not like it mattered a lot when I was younger. Nori always thought it was funny when I wore hair clips and stuff, and you just shook your head and let it be. But if I did that now people would think I'm weird or creepy or something. I just… I get tired of looking and acting like a boy all the time."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Dori sounded even more worried now. "You do know I wouldn't be angry or anything, right?"

Ori couldn't answer that. Well, he could, but he knew it wasn't the kind of an answer Dori would like. Instead, he looked away, until he felt a hand touching his, gentle and careful.

"Ori?" Gentle, careful, like speaking to a frightened animal.

"It's because of Nori." Ori knew his voice was too quiet, knew Dori probably had to strain to hear him, but he couldn't help it. "I didn't want you to think I'm feeling like this because of him." Knew all too well that people would think that, would accuse Nori of twisting him somehow, of making him wrong. Even though there was nothing wrong with him, and nothing wrong with Nori, either. But he did know what people would think, just as he knew what people would think about someone who looked like a boy going around buying skirts.

"Oh, Ori." Dori sighed. "Even if I did think that — and I don't — that wouldn't change the fact that you are what you are. I'm not saying I don't wish things were simpler for you and Nori both, because I do, but that's because I know the rest of the world isn't as accommodating. But I promise, as long as you live under my roof, you don't have to worry about my disapproving of it."

Ori felt hope leap up in his heart. "Really?"

"Really." Dori offered him a faint smile. "I can't promise to truly understand how you feel, or to always use the right words or otherwise get it right. But if wearing a skirt and hair clips makes you feel more like yourself, well, I hardly need to understand it for it to be true."

"Thank you." And he shouldn't have felt the need to thank Dori for something like this, really, but he just felt so very relieved. "I was so worried you'd think I'm some kind of a freak or something."

Dori waved a dismissive hand. "Freak is an ugly word, and not one I like to hear attached to my family. As long as you keep up with your schoolwork and chores and don't get into trouble, I don't really care how you choose to dress yourself. I am worried that others will not be as accepting, but whether you want to deal with that is a choice you will have to make for yourself."

"Right." He finally dared to smile. "I, ah, I was thinking of growing my hair out? I promise I'll keep it neat and won't let it get messy or anything, I know how you hate that kind of a look." Dori and Nori had fought about it a lot some years ago, until Nori had decided he liked the well-brushed ponytail look more than a fuzzy mess. However much he complained, Ori knew a part of Nori had been pleased that Dori had protested; after all, nobody would have thought twice about a girl wearing her hair long, so Dori's arguments had been an affirmation that he did indeed view Nori as a boy.

"If you promise to take care of it. I will not have you going around looking unkempt." Dori frowned. "That reminds me. You will not be wearing that skirt out of the house."

"What?" That felt like a sudden punch to the gut. Sure, he wasn't sure he was quite brave enough for something like that yet, but he'd really thought Dori understood. "But you said…"

"I know what I said." Dori tutted. "And while it's a pretty skirt, it's an absolutely horrid color on you. If you want to go out as a girl sometimes, that's fine with me, but I absolutely will not let you go out as a badly dressed one."

"I don't have anything else, though." And besides, he liked the skirt.

"So we'll have to get you something else, then. And don't look so surprised," he added as Ori blinked at him. "You need some new clothes anyway, so I don't see any reason why some of them couldn't be girl-appropriate. Until we go shopping, we can just go through your current wardrobe and see if we can find some more feminine combinations. And as for the skirt, I'll have to check the material, but if we're lucky I might be able to dye it a more complimenting shade."

"Dori…" What was he supposed to say to that, really?

"What? I told you, I won't let you leave the house badly dressed. It's bad enough what I've had to endure from Nori over the years, I won't let you repeat his mistakes."

"Really, now, I can feel the love." Nori walked into the kitchen, looking between the two of them. "So. Crisis over with? Or should I retreat for another moment?"

Dori glanced at Ori before looking at Nori. "I think things are just fine here, no thanks to you. What were you thinking, running off like that?"

"What? You managed the talk before, I figured I shouldn't interfere." Nori flopped down in an empty chair, giving Ori a curious look. "So, spill. Do I have a little brother or little sister?" He must have noticed Ori's hesitation, as his lips twitched. "Or little sibling? Because I can work with that."

"Ah. That would be nice." Ori worried his lip. "I'm still kind of figuring things out myself." He never had before, not in detail; he'd just known that sometimes he felt different. Now, however, he had the chance to do something about it, so he should try to figure out what exactly made him happy.

"Right, got it." And of course Nori wouldn't give a reaction beyond a grin. "So, to return to what I was saying before we came across the little fashion show now that we're all nice and calm again, I've got a little announcement to make." He leaned back in his chair, all satisfied smirk and flashing eyes and Nori, in his eyes a challenge Ori knew Dori could not help but answer. "I'm thinking of moving out."

Really, Ori wasn't sure how he had ever thought a cup of tea and a quiet talk could ever be a sign of an angry Dori. He would have known if Dori was angry. He was fairly sure the neighbors at the other end of the street knew Dori was angry. He was certainly loud enough for Ori to pick up the words even as he fled into his room and closed the door behind himself.

It would blow over, he knew that, Dori's fights with Nori always did, especially over things like this. Dori would yell now and sulk for a few days, and by the time Nori was actually moving out he would be crying and reminding him to take care of himself and visit often, and in no time at all he would be telling everyone how proud he was of Nori for being so independent, though never where Nori might hear him. Perhaps it wasn't the way most families worked, but it was good enough for them, and that was what mattered.

And when Nori came to see Ori the day he was moving out, telling him to drop by or call if he ever needed to talk and giving him a set of sparkly hairclips, well, that mattered, too.

*

"Ori?"

Ori looked up form his sketchbook, finding Fíli standing at the door to his room. He looked… worried? Yes, definitely worried, with a little crease between his brows and everything. "Fíli. Come in."

"You weren't at school." Fíli was still frowning as he walked in and sat on Ori's bed, running a hand over his braided hair. "Are you sick or something? You seemed all right yesterday."

"Nah. I just… didn't feel like it." Which usually wouldn't have been enough for Dori to let him stay home, but, well, this was a special case. After everything they had talked about the day before, Dori had decided it might be for the best for Ori to take some time to think things through on his own.

"You didn't feel like school? My little genius Ori? Please tell me you're an alien shapeshifter or something, this doesn't make any sense." No, Ori was absolutely not going to blush at Fíli calling him his.

"I'm myself, I promise." Whatever that meant. "Just… working through some stuff, I guess."

"Stuff?" Fíli relaxed a bit, now, looking more curious than worried. "Anything I can help with?"

"Thanks, but I'm pretty sure this is something I have to figure out on my own." Though he did want to tell someone, someone who wasn't his brothers. And really, of anyone he knew, Fíli was the least likely to freak out on him.

Oh, he hoped Fíli wouldn't freak out on him.

"Aw, I don't get even a little hint?" Fíli pouted, and he looked rather ridiculous doing that, like an affronted puppy. Ori couldn't help but chuckle. "Come on, Ori. I was worried! I thought you'd come down with some sort of a super fever or something."

"No, I'm fine, I promise." Ori hesitated a bit, toying with his pencil for a moment. "Promise you won't freak? Or get angry or anything?"

Fíli nodded. "Promise."

"Right." Ori drew a deep breath. "Ah. You know about Nori, right?" Few people in their lives did, nowadays, but Fíli's family belonged to that small number. They'd come into the picture while it was still a relatively new thing, had helped them through the hell that was Nori's puberty. That, at least, made him a little hopeful.

"Well, I know a lot of things about Nori. But if this is something big, I'm guessing you mean how he's trans?" As Ori nodded, wordless, Fíli tilted his head to the side. "So, what? You suddenly realized you're a girl?"

"Not exactly?" Ori sighed. Yes, the day to himself had been helpful, but that didn't mean he was all clear on the subject yet. "It's just, some days I am. Well, I'm pretty sure I am. And it's not just a new thing, I know I've felt this way for a long time now, it just… came up recently."

"Oh? And how did it come up?"

Ori flushed a bit. "Ah. My brothers walked in on me wearing a skirt?"

Fíli blinked once, twice, then burst out laughing. "Yeah, I figure that'd do it." He calmed down after a little while, though he was still grinning. "So, what? Some days you're more girl than boy?"

"Something like that." Ori chewed on his lip. Fíli wasn't running or calling him a freak or anything, which was good, but he would have preferred no laughing, either. Yes, he supposed the whole incident would be amusing to someone who hadn't lived through it, but he wasn't joking about this.

"Figures." Ori's surprise must have shown on his face, as Fíli shrugged. "What? You act more girly sometimes. Not in a bad way or anything," he added as Ori frowned. "Just, you kind of walk different sometimes? And stuff like that. I thought it had to do with your mood or something, but this is a better explanation."

"So you don't think I'm weird or anything?" Because just because Fíli wasn't surprised didn't mean he thought it was normal. Because, well, it wasn't. Most people were perfectly happy with being one gender all the time. "Even if — even if I wanted to wear girly clothes sometimes, or jewelry and stuff?"

"I'm afraid of high places because I have recurring nightmares about an albino monster dropping me off a cliff. Pretty sure I don't qualify for telling people what is or isn't weird." Fíli shook his head. "You're my best friend, Ori. I want you to do whatever makes you happy. And if you only do it when you're a girl, there's nothing weird about wearing girly clothes, now is there?"

"Most people wouldn't just accept at face value that it's possible for someone to be different genders on different days." To be honest, Ori himself still wasn't convinced he wasn't just some maladjusted freak or something.

"Eh. I figure it's none of my business, really. Just promise that if you ever drag me lingerie shopping, I get to see you try them on." Fíli waggled his eyebrows in an exaggerated way that made Ori laugh.

"How about I just promise I'll try not to become a TV comedy stereotype in the first place?" Not that he had a lot of other sources on being a girl, well, TV and the girls at their school. And Dís. If he could grow up to be like Dís, he'd have nothing to complain about.

"I'll take that." Fíli smiled. "So, hey. What pronouns should I use? Because I kind of remember that being a big deal with Nori."

"Uh. I don't really care?" Hadn't thought very far on that, really. "I mean, it'd be kind of impossible for me to ask people to change depending on how I feel. And it's not like I always feel super masculine or feminine, anyway. And I've lived with male pronouns so far so it's kind of fine?"

"I wasn't asking what pronouns you want to use in general. I asked what you want me to use." Fíli gave him a serious gaze, no joking here at all. "You're my friend, remember? If you want me to use different words based on your sock color, I promise I will. Well, I can't promise to always remember if you go for that, and also it'd make things really difficult if you went barefoot, but I'd damn well try."

"Ah." Ori hesitated. He had kind of been looking this up online, though he still wasn't entirely sure on what he should do. But, well, what Nori had said had made him think. "You won't get mad if I change my mind later?"

"As long as you don't get mad if it takes me a bit to learn to remember the change." Fíli nodded. "So, you have something in mind?"

"They? As in, the singular they. It's just, Nori suggested that instead of little sister or little brother I could be his little sibling, and that kind of sounded nice, because it'd be true no matter what. And yes, I know you said you wouldn't mind adjusting or whatever, but I kind of don't want that? I want to just… be what I am, and not draw attention to it if it's not the same as the day before."

"Sounds good to me." Fíli grinned, now. "Just look out when you tell others. Mom's probably going to want to do girls' days out or something, she's always complaining about how she's the only woman in the house."

"Well, it's true, isn't it? I mean, you don't even have any aunts or female cousins." Honestly, that sounded more like a promise than a warning. "Besides, she first painted my nails when I was seven. I'm not sure it's going to be much of a change if she sometimes treats me like a girl."

Fíli snorted. "Yeah, and you showed off your sparkly nails to everyone. And you wonder why I wasn't surprised." He bounced up to his feet. "So, you worked through enough stuff for today? Because I think you should totally get out of here for a bit, and we're having burgers for dinner and you're invited."

"Ah, sure. I'll just have to check with Dori." Not because he thought Dori would say no, but because Dori liked to know where he was.

"No, you don't, I already asked him." Fíli's grin widened as he grasped Ori's hand, digging out his phone with the other hand. "Hey, am I allowed to tell mom I'm bringing a girl home? Because I'm pretty sure she'll call for an explanation in two seconds flat if I text her that."

And this? This was why Fíli was Ori's best friend. This easy acceptance, and the cheerful smile, and the way his hand always felt right in Ori's hand.

Well, those, and the Turkey Incident from the Christmas they were ten, because something like that would either destroy a friendship or make it last forever, but they did not talk about the Turkey Incident.

*

Ori was fifteen when they remembered.

They were at a house party they hadn't particularly wanted to go to, except Fíli had insisted. It wasn't anything shady or something they would have needed to lie to Dori about, there was even an actual adult present and everything. It was an end of the summer thing, with snacks and music and age-appropriate drinks, just everyone getting together before school year started. They knew everyone involved well enough not to hesitate about turning up in a dress and pigtails. Really, there wasn't anything in particular Ori could have pointed to as reason not to take part, except for a vague feeling of not being quite well. And since both Fíli and Kíli wanted to go, Ori didn't want to be the killjoy who sat home instead.

Now, less than an hour after arriving, they were regretting the decision. Everybody was being perfectly friendly, but Ori just didn't feel like being social right now, and people seemed to sense this and drift away from them. Even Fíli was speaking to a few other friends now, and really, Ori couldn't blame him, not when they were being such miserable company. And on top of that, they were getting a headache from the constant noise.

"Are you feeling quite all right, dear?" The hostess, the mother of one of their friends, was frowning at them. "It's just, you look awfully pale."

"I'm fine, really," Ori murmured, though their voice didn't sound very convincing even to their own ears. "I just have a headache."

"Oh, dear, that sounds awful." She shook her head. "Maybe you should lie down for a bit? Maybe get away from the noise for a little while, that should help, too."

"Ah. I don't want to be any trouble." Ori resisted the urge to actually squirm under her inquiring gaze. She was just concerned, that was all. They knew Dori would have been much the same in the same situation.

"Nonsense! Come on, I'll show you to the guest bedroom. You just lie down for a bit, and I'll bring you a painkiller or something. I'm sure you'll feel better in no time!"

Really, it was all Dori's fault that Ori was more or less conditioned to follow firm instructions from maternal-type people. They followed the hostess away from the party without any more protests. And really, it was a relief to get somewhere less noisy for a change. They still felt vaguely ill, but hopefully the headache would get better at least.

The hostess made sure they were lying comfortably on the guest room bed before turning off the lights and leaving with promises of a painkiller coming soon, closing the door behind her. Ori sighed and closed their eyes, placing an arm over their eyes. This was so much better.

The music was indistinct now, muffled by the distance and the closed door in between them and the stereo system. All they could really hear was the bass line, the rest of the music fading out of focus. It wasn't complete silence, but it was much better than before.

The song changed, then, and so did the bass line, with heavy drums filtering through to the guest bedroom. The ill feeling got stronger, though Ori couldn't really say why. It was just drums, after all, it wasn't anything —

Drums. Drums in the deep.

Images flashed through their mind, of battles and blood and fear and darkness, and drums that would not fall quiet. They remembered being scared and alone in the darkness, remembered leaning against a tomb, scrawling one last note on the worn pages of their book, wanting to leave one last message, they had been so tired and scared and then there was pain —

The door was thrown open, and it wasn't until then that Ori realized they had been screaming, had scrambled down from the bed. People filled the doorway, not that they could pay much attention, not now, not like this. Someone got closer, now, someone who got down next to them and reached warm arms around them. Fíli, Ori realized in a haze, Fíli was there and holding them close, except he could also remember Fíli, Fíli lying on the ground torn apart, Fíli closed off in a cold tomb, Fíli returned to stone and forever lost to them.

"Shhh, it's all right," Fíli murmured as Ori started crying, rubbing their back with a calming hand. "It's all right, Ori, I promise, it's all right…" Except it wasn't, nothing was, and they couldn't even explain it. Not without everyone thinking they were crazy, at least.

It took them a moment to calm down enough to speak, haltingly and through tears. "I — I'm sorry." They still couldn't stop crying, not entirely, not with all those images fresh in their mind. "I, I must have had a nightmare or something. I'll be fine in a moment, I just…"

"Stop it, Ori." Fíli hugged them closer for a moment, and that, that made them feel slightly better. "You don't have to apologize, really. I'll text dad to come pick us up, all right?"

"You don't have to do that." Great, now they would also feel guilty for ruining the rest of the party for Fíli and Kíli, and not just for bringing the mood down. "I can just call Nori to come get me." Because Fíli was right at least in that they couldn't stay here, not now. The memories perhaps would not go anywhere, but if they were going to be crying and shaking, they at least wanted to do so in their own bed.

"Too late!" Kíli peeked in through the doorway, holding up his phone. "I'm already texting."

"Come on, Ori." Fíli helped them up to their feet, the others making way for them as Fíli led them out of the room. Ori tried to apologize to the rather stricken-looking hostess, who waved their apologies away like so much nonsense. Someone turned the music down, and Ori was led to sit down on a couch, with Fíli hovering nearby the whole time as they waited.

"I really am sorry," Ori sighed as they were all seated in Tuli's van. "I didn't mean to ruin the whole party for you."

"Eh, it's our fault for making you come, anyway." Kíli looked over his shoulder from where he was sitting next to his father. "You weren't feeling well, and we wanted you to come anyway. And really, do you think we could have fun if we knew you're feeling miserable at home?"

"So I should have been honest from the start and told you I couldn't come."

"It's not like you knew this would happen. And besides, you came along because we wanted to. Peer pressure! Clearly you're not at fault." Kíli flashed them a grin. "Besides, now Dad's pretty much obligated to let us order a pizza or something. You know, to feel better."

"I think that only counts if Ori's coming over." Tuli glanced at him through the rear-view mirror. "Ori? Do you want to come over to our place, or should I take you home?"

"You should come with us," Fíli hurried to say before Ori could respond. "Dori's still at work, right? So you'd be all alone. Just come to our place and someone will drive you home later."

Well. While earlier they'd wanted nothing as much as their own bed, Fíli was right in that they didn't want to be alone. Certainly not with those images still coming up again and again, of Fíli and even Kíli hurt and worse. At least if they were with them, they could see they were all right. "Ah. All right, if you don't mind that I'm probably not great company right now."

"Always better than Kíli." This, of course, prompted an indignant response from Kíli, which led to an argument between the two. In a strange way, listening to them bicker forth and back made Ori feel better, just a little. They were just so… alive.

So much more alive than when they'd seen them both closed in their tombs.

Once they got to the Durin house, Fíli tugged Ori out of the van before Kíli's chair had been let loose. As he drew Ori towards the house, he gave them a sideways glance. "Nightmare, huh?"

"Right." Except it was far too vivid, too detailed to be a nightmare. There were too many images, too many feelings, and it all felt like memories, not dreams. Never mind that they hadn't even had the time to fall asleep in the first place.

"It didn't happen to involve trolls and orcs and elves and pretty much everyone having a beard, did it?"

Ori blinked. "I —" They couldn't remember elves, not right now at least, but orcs, definitely. Orcs and goblins and drums in the deep, and damn it, they were trembling again. "You — you died." As did Ori, though that was less important. At least they were pretty sure they died, didn't think anyone could live through the pain they remembered in the darkness.

"Yeah, I rather feared that might be it." Fíli gave them a lopsided smile as he led Ori inside and toward the living room. "It'll get better, I promise. There's good stuff, too, lots of it, once you remember more."

"Remember?" That sounded right, it did, but… surely that didn't make sense. "Wait. Do you mean that you…"

"I remember being a dwarf prince and dying in battle, yeah." Fíli shook his head. "Have for a while now. Remember that time a couple of years ago I climbed to the roof on a dare and fell and broke my arm? Yeah, that would have been traumatic enough, except then my brain apparently decided I needed more context for that nightmare I've had as long as I can remember."

"You never said." If it had been like this — if it had been anywhere near as bad as this — they didn't want to think of Fíli going through all this alone.

"Yeah, well, that would've sounded pretty crazy, wouldn't it? And then I started getting more of these, I guess they're memories, and at that point I pretty much decided I was either going crazy or I had a past life, which a lot of people would classify as being crazy."

"I wouldn't have thought you were crazy." They never could have. Even if they hadn't remembered, they would have believed Fíli.

"Yeah, well, I figured I'd wait. I recognized a lot of the people in my memories from this life, so I thought I'd wait until you or Kíli remembered." He squeezed Ori's hand a bit tighter. "I didn't want it to be like this, though."

"It gets better, though?"

"Sure it does, when it's not as fresh. After a bit you just remember it like something that happened to you long ago. And as I said, there's a lot of good things, too." Fíli gave them a grin, and it was a familiar one, both the one they saw now and the memory of another Fíli with pale skin and actual facial hair. "For one thing, there was this really cute scribe I remember being very fond of."

"Oh, shut up." Ori flushed despite their best efforts not to. "Now you're just teasing me."

"No, I'm not! I was very fond of you. Clearly I've always had very good taste." Fíli's voice softened as they heard Tuli and Kíli coming in. "We'll figure this out, all right? We can compare notes and everything, figure out if there's more remnants of it than my nightmares and fear of heights. And for now, I promise I'm alive and there are no orcs around, pale or otherwise."

"Right." Ori managed a small smile, though it was still a bit shaky. "Now, I think I was promised pizza?"

"More like my hopeless sons were going to use you as a bargaining chip for pizza, but I think that amounts to much the same thing." Tuli ruffled Kíli's hair, much to Kíli's very vocal annoyance, as they joined Fíli and Ori in the living room. "Since it's supposed to be Ori's comfort pizza, I'd say it's only fair they get to choose the toppings, hmm?"

"But we can pick the other one, right?" Kíli gave a hopeful grin. "I mean, we're growing kids, you can't possibly hope to feed us all with just one pizza!"

"Correction: you're growing kids, with a very hungry dad who hasn't started making dinner yet, and a mom who will be very upset if she comes home to find there's nothing left for her. So, yes, there will definitely be multiple pizzas, but Ori picks one all on their own." Tuli smiled at Ori, and Fíli squeezed their hand, and though they still felt like shaking and crying they were getting better, at least a little.

And if they were still quiet and shaky for the rest of the evening, the only attention anyone drew to it was Fíli sticking even closer than usual.

*

Ori was sixteen when they kissed Fíli for the second first time.

It was mostly an accident, really, not something either of them had planned. Ori was staying over at the Durin house for the weekend, and they were watching bad fantasy movies in the living room and making fun of elves in ways that were only really funny to the two of them. Kíli had ducked out for bed an hour or so earlier, claiming he had no idea what they found so funny about people in latex ears, and by now Ori and Fíli were both half dozing, leaning against each other.

At some point Fíli had reached an arm around Ori, and they hadn't protested. It felt… nice, really. Warm and safe and everything.

Finally Ori's eyes started to get too heavy, and they turned to Fíli to suggest that they call it a night once the movie was over. To their surprise Ori found Fíli looking at them, an unreadable expression on his face.

More on instinct than anything, without giving it any actual thought, Ori leaned in for a kiss.

Fíli's kiss felt familiar and strange all at once. As soon as their lips touched Ori was flooded with memories, so many memories from a life long past, images and feelings that had already been decades old when they had last been in their mind. They remembered hands on their waist, much like the one that settled there now, only the hands had been larger and stronger, spanning a much bigger distance on their side. Ori remembered the kisses, quick and hurried and slow and tentative and deep and passionate alike, except all those were accompanied by the memories of mustache braids and soft beards. And yet this, the smooth face and proportionately smaller hands, this was good, too. This was warm and safe and made something deep within Ori stir in ways they weren't sure were appropriate for polite company.

There was no polite company here, though, just Ori and Fíli, and after a moment they broke apart, both breathing heavily. Ori's eyes met Fíli's, seeing the longing there, feeling it echoed in their own chest.

"You knew." It wasn't an accusation, just an observation. "That we were…" They hadn't remembered it before, not in as much detail. They had remembered the pain of being separated, the depth of a loss that nothing could truly repair, the feeling of something empty in their chest for the rest of their life. But not this, not anything beyond friendship.

"I started remembering earlier." At least Fíli wasn't trying to deny it. "I… didn't want to push you into something, I guess. I figured I'd wait until either you did something or started remembering on your own. You know, because it's not a given you'd even be interested this time around, just because we were…" He trailed off, looking aside.

"We were betrothed." Ori touched the side of Fíli's face, speaking as much for the sake of figuring out all the memories flooding their mind as to reassure Fíli of their returning memory. "Before the battle. You — you were going to tell Thorin after it was over, ask for his official permission to marry me." Except after the battle there had been no Thorin, and no Fíli, either.

"I would have married you either way." Fíli's voice was low, rough with old grief or something else. "It's not like he could have truly kept me from you. Not when you were my One."

"I never had another, you know." Ori whispered their words, their voice barely audible over the sound of the movie still running in the background. "After — after I lost you — I couldn't. I wore a mourning braid for the rest of my life, so everyone would know I wasn't available, because all I wanted was to get back to you."

"And you did." Fíli clasped the hand that was still touching his face, sure and warm. "We found each other again. And this time, there's no war or orcs to separate us."

"No, there's not." Ori smiled, feeling happier than they had in a long time, longer than they could even remember. "So, what's it going to be, my prince? Are you going to court me again?"

"You'd better believe it." Fíli grinned, leaning in for another kiss, this one quick and light. "Except I'm going to do it nice and proper. We're not in a hurry for anything this time, and I'm not going to just skip all propriety just because I already did the wooing once."

"That sounds good." Ori chuckled, feeling a bit breathless from joy. "I think I'd like to be wooed."

There were a few more kisses that night, though nothing more, and when the movie ended they went to bed, with Ori heading to the guest bedroom that was more or less their room anyway. Fíli's family gave them suspicious glances the following day, doubtless inspired by their happy expressions, but neither of them gave away anything more than a very pleasant movie night. Whatever was between them was too raw and fresh, yet, too fragile to be paraded out in the open just yet, for all that it was also older and deeper than either of their lives, this time.

Later Fíli braided a small section of Ori's hair, his hands swift, well practiced from all the times he helped Kíli with his hair. Ori recognized the pattern and placement, a little trace of another life in their current ones, and smiled at the bold claim that would pass unnoticed by all around them. They didn't return the favor of the courting braid; though Ori offered, Fíli argued it would get lost in his hair that was all in braids anyway, and he wanted it to be obvious even if nobody would understand it. Ori went out the following week and bought lengths of silk ribbon, dark blue and reddish purple both. They braided the ribbons in the same pattern, careful to get every twist and turn right, and when they gave Fíli the finished braid he twisted it around his wrist and tied it firmly in place. A rush of warmth filled Ori's chest as they saw the braid there, their claim on Fíli there in front of their eyes once again, and they knew that this time around, they would get everything right.

This time around, they would get their happy ending.


End file.
